Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
