i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
