I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
