So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
