I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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