I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
The struggles of a small town man whore
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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