my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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