I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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