so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
