my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
