i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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