This is not my ceiling
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
