you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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