I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
