I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
