my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I didn't notice because vodka
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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