i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I need to align my fucking chakras
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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