First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He kissed a someone with a penis
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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