I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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