im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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