boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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