First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
