It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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