I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize