He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
