The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
did i walk over a car last night?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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