You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
