I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
And then my night got REAL pukey
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
