Already got asked if we're dating
i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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