Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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