proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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