i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
