I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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