a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
