I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
