Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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