My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
