she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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