But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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