just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
