My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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