I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
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