It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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