I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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