tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
That was an excessively violent trivia night
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
