i wish my penis had a tongue
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
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