Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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