well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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