he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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