When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
