I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
