I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
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Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
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went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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