he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
