I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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