I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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